ohgreatintentions

what do i gain but the exchange of truth for a lie?

2008-03-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

Pastor Earl Palmer mentioned this quote from Screwtape Letters in his Easter Sunday service this past week at UPC.

It's written by C.S. Lewis, and it's in the form of letters from a devil named Screwtape, who gives advice to his nephew Wormwood on how to lead his "patient" away from God.
Remember when reading this quote, it's written from the perspective of a devil with the intention of destroying his patient's faith.

"My dear Wormwood,
The real trouble with the environment in which your patient lives is that it is merely Christian. They all have individual interests, of corse, but the bond remains mere Christianity. What we want, if men become Christians at all, is to keep them in a state of mind I call 'Christianity And.' You know-- Christianity and the crisis, Christianity and the new psychology, Christianity and the new order, Christianity and faith healing, Christianity and psychic research, Christianity and vegetarianism, Christianity and the spelling reform. If they must be Christians, let them at least be Christians with a difference. Substitute for faith itself some fashionable idea with Christian implications. Work on their horror of hearing and thinking the same old thing.

The horror of the same old thing is one of the most valuable passions we have produced in the human heart."

I find this so convicting. How often do I attach things to my faith? And for the most part, they are good things that are pleasing to God.
Things even that we are called to do.
But it shouldn't be the center of our faith.

Our actions and beliefs should spring from that, not the other way around.

baptism

2008-03-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.-CS Lewis

when i was 8 or 9, i used to go to an Assemblies of God church on friday nights with my neighbor and her mom. i used to proudly line up with everyone else to get "anointed by the holy spirit" and then proceed to fall over and lie on the floor for a bit. i'm not discounting this experience for anyone else, but to me, it was just fun. when the pastor would start his sermon, i would slowly drift out of the massive room and find myself a seat on the bench in the hallway, where i would sing to myself (yeah, i used to be one of those kids).
i don't really remember how this came up, but one time my older brother accompanied me to the service and the pastor must have been speaking on baptism or something, because my brother and i soon felt that it was absolutely necessary to become baptised.
we put on robes and such, waited in line, gave a brief testimony in front of thousands of people, and then... got dunked.
and that was that.

and for those of you who know me, know that it wasn't until i was 14 that i "became a Christian", and those of you who know me best know that it wasn't until i was 17 and moved to BC where i worked with YWAM that i actually started to seek relationship with Jesus. i grew soo much in those 9 months i spent in canada and china, so really i should have been baptised again, for real, don't you think? but for some reason it just never really happened.

years later, i began to feel like i should do that. but i felt like it was odd timing, because i wasn't a new Christian or anything, and i just didn't get it. i felt like there was some deeper meaning to baptism that i didn't understand, so i was too scared to do it. i did the same thing with communion- i didn't take it until last year for the first time, because it didn't make sense and i felt like i was going to piss God off because i didn't have a deep understanding of it.

but then i realised, it's just a symbol. it just means what it means.
now maybe this sounds silly to you, but it was a long time before i realised it.

so a few months ago, i emailed Mars Hill and told them i wanted to be baptised. i filled out some paperwork, and then they never got back to me.
phhh.

and then last night, for our easter service, we had what pastor Bubba called "spontaneous baptism".
so, i got baptised.

and it feels great. :-)

it's a hard parade, just be courageous*

2008-03-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

broken boys look good sitting on their shelves
silent waves responds expose to fear
library cards, rented faces, lying on the naked train
hard parades with nothing skin
things that breathe way too thin

{{they lost their lives in backyards}}

my apolly-loggies for the depressing posts as of late. i guess it's just where i'm at, and i'm starting to realise why.

this morning at 3am my friend asked me if i really hated seattle. i complain all the time, mostly because it's not vancouver and i love it up there so much. but when i thought about it later, i realised i really do dislike this city. do you want to know why?

i've been here for almost two years, and have yet to make a close friend.

that may be somewhat of an exaggeration, because i've had close friends, it's just either that they've moved away or they've just moved on. i've gone to two schools, where i made ONE friend, who i haven't spoken to in months. i've worked a few customer service jobs and don't keep in touch with any of my past co-workers.
it's painful when you get shot down; it makes me not want to call anyone up anymore. so i spend my days off with my bunny instead.

the only place i've made real friendships is in my community group at my church, but i find we always make efforts to get together but it rarely happens.

why is this?

i read an article in the seattle pi about what is called the "seattle freeze". people here are very surface level nice. and i'm becoming one of those people as well. i should work on that.

in the mean time, if you want to come over you can.

*never was very good at spelling.

planes and locomotives

2008-03-04T22:50:00.001-08:00

i rely on the birds to remind me
that i was inspired once.

that's a line from the last poem i wrote.
a year ago.
remember when all i cared about was poetry, art and music?

where is my creativity? i just don't have any anymore.

even at work, i used to jump at the opportunity to set up the window display or to rearrange the boots. now, i try to push it onto rachel.

i need some creative push.
what i need is a vacation.

office space

2008-02-27T11:09:00.001-08:00

Q: If you had a billion dollars and didn’t need to work for the rest of your life, what would you do?

A: I would do absolutely nothing. I would sit home and play with my bunny, sew baby clothes, read books and listen to pod-casts. Teach myself how to cook, but also try all the best and most expensive sushi and sake in Seattle. Build a darkroom in my house; develop as many pictures as I want. Maybe take up piano, because I would of course have a big enough apartment for one. Paint my walls, whatever color I want, and not have to paint them back before I leave. Travel all I want, spend most of my time in Asia doing something productive, like building relationship with people and telling them about Jesus.
I would most likely be the most intelligent, artistic, content version of me. I would be utilizing and nourishing all of my half-talents, with no pressure to use them to make money.
But I have to settle for less than that. I have to settle for the me that goes to school, works, and then comes home and has to clean her apartment. Now it’s not really so bad, is it? But it feels like the end of my life.
I hate to work, I just hate it. It’s miserable to me, always. No matter what I do. Is it like this for everyone else?
And I have the most supportive husband. He will let me go to school for anything I want, and make whatever sacrifices he can so that I can be happy.
So, folks, I have found the career for me. Short days, low stress, little conversing with customers… School is only a year, and I can have my own business if I want. Work as little or as much as I like.

I’m going to Cortiva for massage therapy.
The bummer is I don’t really like to touch people. But I’ll get over it, right?

death to palaces.

2008-01-23T15:52:00.000-08:00

It’s probably a good day down in Brazil, to marry intention to the will.
And bury the palaces again…

How come I know things but they mean nothing to me.
I know I need to spend more time in prayer and reading my Bible, but sometimes TV is just more stimulating.
I know I need to be nicer to my customers, but sometimes I want to fight back.
I know I need to be more environmentally cautious, but I still buy new things and don’t recycle if it’s too much effort.
I know I need to be eating better and exercising, but I can’t stop drinking Diet Coke and I don’t have enough energy to work out… because I don’t work out…

This book we are reading for our Mars Hill community group is called How People Change. It’s basically saying that change comes from the work of Jesus Christ in our lives, and it isn’t achieved through behavior modification. The book keeps giving examples of Jane and Johnny, and telling stories about their lives and their failures to acknowledge Jesus and how they are left unchanged in their Christian walk.
I’ll be the first to tell you I had a bad attitude before I even read the back cover of this book. I dislike formulas and methods and I most definitely dislike being asked to change.
But I guess I don’t get it. Is reading a story about how Elizabeth feels empty because she puts her trust in her Christian friends rather than in Jesus supposed to help me realize I need Jesus?

I am well aware of my sin, and my depravity. But it overwhelms me and I feel helpless, rather than encourage me to develop Christ like behavior.

My gap isn’t where I can’t realize what I need, but in my intention and putting it to practice.

But that’s where Jesus comes in, right?

Baby steps.

lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn, as thirty dialouges bleed into one.

2008-01-19T12:21:00.000-08:00

((it wouldn't be a new years post without some death cab lyrics.))

and it wouldn't be a new years post from me if it wasn't 19 days late.

i have two resolutions:
1. read the whole Bible, in one year, with my husband Wes.
2. blog at least twice a month, if not once a week.

and i know you ask, why do you want to start blogging kat? don't people try hard to stop spending hours in front of their computer reading other people's mindless rants?
and the answer is because it helps me clear my head.
//i think.
///we'll see.

the truth is, i missed you.

If at first you don't succeed...

2007-11-12T13:13:00.001-08:00

Howcome I suck at blogging?
I used to love it. Back in the xanga days when all I did was whine that nobody liked me because I drank too much and tell you my music is better than yours.

Funny how things change.

So, here I am. Still in Seattle. Still have my superboyfriend, Wes, who will be my superhusband in a few weeks. Well 12 days to be exact.

So I think that's a good start for now. We'll see about tomorrow.

happy birthday to me...

2007-03-01T13:23:00.000-08:00

About this time on my birthday last year I was sitting in a chinese restaraunt on Michigan Avenue in Chicago with five of my friends.
We weren't celebrating my birthday, it was more like a farewell lunch.
Cause a few hours later, a friend of mine and I packed up my car and took off on I-90 for a 35 hour drive to Seattle.

Immediately, when we hit Schaumburg, we got distracted by Ikea. This continued to be a pattern for us on our drive... stopping at cute diners, touristy towns, thrift shops and taking any road that was marked "scenic route."
It was great. Cheap motels, cigarettes, iPods, mountains, deserts, lakes, waterfalls....

We made it in about 3 days.

We arrived downtown Seattle and realised we didn't have anywhere to go. We walked around Pike Place Market and then got boerd. After we realised the hostel didnt have any room, we took off to Vancouver. The next few weeks were kind of a blur of sleeping, eating and clubbing. Back and forth from Portland to Seattle, Seattle to Vancouver, Vancouver to Portland...

A little less than a month later I moved into my house in Seattle. I left my friend somewhere in Portland. She actually got married two weeks ago to some guy in Ohio.

Somehow, a year later, I'm still here. This is the longest I've stayed somewhere in years.
It's weird, I don't even love Seattle that much. It's just really... comfortable, I guess.

fickle

2007-02-13T10:24:00.000-08:00

yep.

you all knew it about me.
this is the time when it gets really bad.
I usually start around the spring, and the summer. then the fall, and the winter.
and generally, everything between.
but not always, you know.
because an absolute statement like that can really destory my fickiality.

for so long I thought that everything in my life was so constant and I needed change.
now I find myself trying so hard to grab onto anything that's not in motion.

a few months ago, I found out that my years' lease turned out to only be 8 months.
this destroyed me because it was the only thing in my life that was stable.
my stability fell through

and now I can't decide between taking classes for something I hate, but working towards a major I love; or getting a job somewhere I hate, so I can have money to do what I love.

decisions are just so hard for me. I am terribly afraid of regret.
but it's a legitimate fear, taking into consideration my long list of regrets.

I know, I know, I have Jesus. He is never changing. and beleive me, He is truly holding me together.
and I also have my superboyfriend, wesley, who is very supportive as well.

but I want some tangible sign that what I am doing is best.

wes keeps reminding me that my options are all "good", but I can't really choose what's "best" because I don't know how things are going to turn out. but even if a plan is just "good" then that's alright.

but alright is just alright, I want good. I want best.

blog revival

2007-02-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

so, I'm going to give it another shot.
what's the wrost that could happen?

I missed you.

what am I doing?

the truth is I don't think that I know. at least not right now.
I'm in Seattle, I work a few jobs that are alright, I want to go to school, I want to have health insurance and I want to do something with myself.

that's a good start.